Steve: "Stop being such a bitch"
Jen: "Steve, you should know me by now that this isn't going to happen, as it is part of my charm. I do appreciate the nice compliment though."
Thursday, February 26, 2009
Check please!
I was shopping at the local supermarket where I selected:
A half-gallon of 2% milk
A carton of eggs
A quart of orange juice
A head of lettuce
A 2 lb can of coffee
& 1 lb package of bacon
As I was unloading my items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind me watched as I placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk calmly stated, 'You must be single.'
I was a bit startled by this proclamation, but I was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since I was indeed single. I looked at the six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about my selections that could have tipped off the drunk to my marital status.
Curiosity getting the better of me, I said: 'Well, you know what, you're absolutely right! I am single, but how on earth did you know that?'
The drunk replied, 'Cause you're ugly.'
A half-gallon of 2% milk
A carton of eggs
A quart of orange juice
A head of lettuce
A 2 lb can of coffee
& 1 lb package of bacon
As I was unloading my items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind me watched as I placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk calmly stated, 'You must be single.'
I was a bit startled by this proclamation, but I was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since I was indeed single. I looked at the six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about my selections that could have tipped off the drunk to my marital status.
Curiosity getting the better of me, I said: 'Well, you know what, you're absolutely right! I am single, but how on earth did you know that?'
The drunk replied, 'Cause you're ugly.'
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
Take me on the ottoman
So I'm trying to decide exactly how I want to decorate my new living room.
I need a soothing environment. Good colors, something different, but nothing boring.
I'm currently picking out new furniture. I'm trying to mix it up a little so my decorating possiblities are endless.
I have some ideas, and I think I've made my mind up on which furniture I am buying. However, the one thing that is bothering the hell out of me....do I get an ottoman? Are those strictly for old people? I wouldn't think so, but at the same time, I do not believe I have ever seen one in someone's house under the age of 65.
I need a soothing environment. Good colors, something different, but nothing boring.
I'm currently picking out new furniture. I'm trying to mix it up a little so my decorating possiblities are endless.
I have some ideas, and I think I've made my mind up on which furniture I am buying. However, the one thing that is bothering the hell out of me....do I get an ottoman? Are those strictly for old people? I wouldn't think so, but at the same time, I do not believe I have ever seen one in someone's house under the age of 65.
Touché…
To the woman that crapped in my car…
(NE Portland )
We met on Craigslist so I am hoping that this post finds you. I know that it could quite possibly be the most humiliating first date that you have ever been on, but I am willing to look past that.I thought we had chemistry sitting at McMenamins sharing that basket of Cajun Tots while drinking the Terminator Stout. I really felt like there was a connection there. I found you to be intelligent and witty and looked forward to further conversation with you.At some point in life, everyone has gambled on a fart and lost. It just happened to be on a first date in the passenger seat of my car. Please don’t feel bad. The package I sent you with Pepto the next day and the note that said “First dates are always a crap shoot. Call me” was meant to be funny, not offensive.I have gambled on a fart and lost on multiple occasions. The first time I did it was very memorable. It happened when I was five and sitting on my uncle's lap. I am lactose intolerant, but love cheese. I probably win 95% of the time, but I don't think anyone wins 100% of the time. That's why they call it "gambling". I'm the last person to judge you for crapping your pants. In fact, I am impressed by your boldness. The timing on the other hand, could have been a tad bit better...like when you're not sitting on a heated leather seat...What I am trying to say is that if you want to go out again, I would be more than happy to take you someplace where we can get a meal that is high in fiber and less taxing on the digestive tract.
I await your call, Tad
P.S. - If you shat yourself on purpose to end the evening early…Touché…
(NE Portland )
We met on Craigslist so I am hoping that this post finds you. I know that it could quite possibly be the most humiliating first date that you have ever been on, but I am willing to look past that.I thought we had chemistry sitting at McMenamins sharing that basket of Cajun Tots while drinking the Terminator Stout. I really felt like there was a connection there. I found you to be intelligent and witty and looked forward to further conversation with you.At some point in life, everyone has gambled on a fart and lost. It just happened to be on a first date in the passenger seat of my car. Please don’t feel bad. The package I sent you with Pepto the next day and the note that said “First dates are always a crap shoot. Call me” was meant to be funny, not offensive.I have gambled on a fart and lost on multiple occasions. The first time I did it was very memorable. It happened when I was five and sitting on my uncle's lap. I am lactose intolerant, but love cheese. I probably win 95% of the time, but I don't think anyone wins 100% of the time. That's why they call it "gambling". I'm the last person to judge you for crapping your pants. In fact, I am impressed by your boldness. The timing on the other hand, could have been a tad bit better...like when you're not sitting on a heated leather seat...What I am trying to say is that if you want to go out again, I would be more than happy to take you someplace where we can get a meal that is high in fiber and less taxing on the digestive tract.
I await your call, Tad
P.S. - If you shat yourself on purpose to end the evening early…Touché…
Nothing Says I'm Over You Like a lot of Bronzer
So I'm going to paint the front door to my new apartment BRONZE. Catch my drift?
The Man I Want to Marry
1. I love my wife.
2. I would never cheat on her
3. After a decade together, I still fantasize about her when I'm alone
4. Our baby is beautiful.
5. Wife has 6 pack abs again
6. She makes the effort
7. And so do I
8. We appreciate each other
9. And work together
10. And stay sexy for each other
11. And fantasize together
12. And motivate each other
13. We don't watch TV
14. TV is distractive shit
15. Instead we talk
16. We eat together
17. And listen to each other
18. I love it when she rubs my neck when I'm driving
19. She loves it when I rub cream on her feet
20. I leave the seat down
21. Sometimes she makes me a sandwich
22. I brush the snow off her car
23. She surprises me with sexy things
24. We met at the Roxy
25. I still have her phone number
she gave me advice for fellow men posting to R&R (or just in general):
1. Don't complain about how your wife or gf treats you. Is there a reason she treats you that way? Put down the remote and work on it with her. Go to therapy. If you can't work it out, separate and get on with your life.
2. Don't brag about cheating on your wife. That's a lame thing to do. Real men don't brag about cheating on their spouses. When you brag to strangers online about cheating on your wife, you've reduced yourself to the lowest form of shit imaginable.
3. Don't post cock pics. It's lame. If you want to be with a woman, take a shower, shave, get dressed, and go out and meet one.
4. Don't whine. Real men don't wine. They effect change.
5. Don't post porn. It's lame. We all know where to find it if we want to look at it. The woman in the picture won't magically appear in your bedroom if you post it. You have better things to do with your time than that.
6. Stop being hateful. It doesn't make the world a better place. it doesn't make you happier. Shut off the computer and work on making yourself a better person.
7. Stop being angry. You were born into a world with many problems, get over it. We all have problems. The sun doesn't rise and set on your ass. Work them out. Shut up and Do what you need to do.
8. Don't act like an asshole just because you happen to be with some assholes. Be a leader. Wake them up or find better friends.
9. Stop being led by your cock. Men who are slaves to their own cock are weak. Lead your cock, don't follow it. Master your cock instead of master-bating it. Silly insecure boys post messages asking women to show their tits. Be a man, use your big head, get off your ass and go out and meet a woman. Both you and your dick will be happier for it.
10. Don't troll for FWB if you are in a relationship. There is nothing more cowardly than to sneak around behind your spouse's back. If you want to play the field then stop being a louse, grow some balls, step up to the plate and tell your spouse or girlfriend that you want to move on. You don't want her to waste your time, so don't waste hers. Be a man.
11. Stop hating on fat women. Fat women aren't happy about being fat. They know what they're up against and they don't need your shit to add to the problem. They're not all lazy fuckers, they're often victims of stress and depression like you, except they turn it inwards instead of spewing written shit like you. Be an encouraging pen pal, not a verbal shitheel.
12. Stop spewing racist shit. It's another waste of your time. All the minorities around you are here to stay. Get used to it.
13. Stop spewing homophobic shit. One in ten are gay. That means someone in your own family. Probably you. Gay people want the same thing you do: nice neighbors, a wide screen TV, lower taxes, and a day's pay. What's the fucking problem. Your bullshit won't change anything. Get over it.
My suggested goals for my fellow men:
1. Strive to be a man people want to be around. This means being congenial, fair, loyal, and honest.
2. Try to do something nice for someone at least once each day, even if it's as simple as holding a door for someone.
3. Decide what your principles are as a man and live by them. Make decisions using your principles instead of using fear, pain or pleasure.
4. Strive to exercise a few times a week. It keeps you fit and your mind clear.
5. Keep yourself groomed, clean, and neat. it will make you feel more confident.
6. You live in a marketing culture that tries to convince you that self gratification in all forms is the way to happiness. The real way to happiness is to give to others. Find a benevolent club, church, or organization. Join it and make a difference. Then you'll feel real happiness in spite of your other problems.
7. Shut the TV off. Find productive ways to spend your time. Any time you are about to do something, ask yourself first if you are just distracting yourself.
8. Don't spend your life distracting yourself from being something better.
9. Realize that everyday you are exposed to 3000-5000 advertisements.
10. Rise above the sea of bullshit around you. Be an island.
11. Stop worrying about keeping pace with your friends. Instead figure out what is important to you.
12. The world is full of creepy, insecure, arrogant, selfish, dishonest, and narrow minded men. You can be something better.
As men, truths to heed:
1. You are allowed to feel emotion, smile, laugh, and have fun
2. Asking for directions is a sign of strength, not weakness
3. The measure of a man is how he thinks and acts, not about muscles or tattoos. Think about that.
2. I would never cheat on her
3. After a decade together, I still fantasize about her when I'm alone
4. Our baby is beautiful.
5. Wife has 6 pack abs again
6. She makes the effort
7. And so do I
8. We appreciate each other
9. And work together
10. And stay sexy for each other
11. And fantasize together
12. And motivate each other
13. We don't watch TV
14. TV is distractive shit
15. Instead we talk
16. We eat together
17. And listen to each other
18. I love it when she rubs my neck when I'm driving
19. She loves it when I rub cream on her feet
20. I leave the seat down
21. Sometimes she makes me a sandwich
22. I brush the snow off her car
23. She surprises me with sexy things
24. We met at the Roxy
25. I still have her phone number
she gave me advice for fellow men posting to R&R (or just in general):
1. Don't complain about how your wife or gf treats you. Is there a reason she treats you that way? Put down the remote and work on it with her. Go to therapy. If you can't work it out, separate and get on with your life.
2. Don't brag about cheating on your wife. That's a lame thing to do. Real men don't brag about cheating on their spouses. When you brag to strangers online about cheating on your wife, you've reduced yourself to the lowest form of shit imaginable.
3. Don't post cock pics. It's lame. If you want to be with a woman, take a shower, shave, get dressed, and go out and meet one.
4. Don't whine. Real men don't wine. They effect change.
5. Don't post porn. It's lame. We all know where to find it if we want to look at it. The woman in the picture won't magically appear in your bedroom if you post it. You have better things to do with your time than that.
6. Stop being hateful. It doesn't make the world a better place. it doesn't make you happier. Shut off the computer and work on making yourself a better person.
7. Stop being angry. You were born into a world with many problems, get over it. We all have problems. The sun doesn't rise and set on your ass. Work them out. Shut up and Do what you need to do.
8. Don't act like an asshole just because you happen to be with some assholes. Be a leader. Wake them up or find better friends.
9. Stop being led by your cock. Men who are slaves to their own cock are weak. Lead your cock, don't follow it. Master your cock instead of master-bating it. Silly insecure boys post messages asking women to show their tits. Be a man, use your big head, get off your ass and go out and meet a woman. Both you and your dick will be happier for it.
10. Don't troll for FWB if you are in a relationship. There is nothing more cowardly than to sneak around behind your spouse's back. If you want to play the field then stop being a louse, grow some balls, step up to the plate and tell your spouse or girlfriend that you want to move on. You don't want her to waste your time, so don't waste hers. Be a man.
11. Stop hating on fat women. Fat women aren't happy about being fat. They know what they're up against and they don't need your shit to add to the problem. They're not all lazy fuckers, they're often victims of stress and depression like you, except they turn it inwards instead of spewing written shit like you. Be an encouraging pen pal, not a verbal shitheel.
12. Stop spewing racist shit. It's another waste of your time. All the minorities around you are here to stay. Get used to it.
13. Stop spewing homophobic shit. One in ten are gay. That means someone in your own family. Probably you. Gay people want the same thing you do: nice neighbors, a wide screen TV, lower taxes, and a day's pay. What's the fucking problem. Your bullshit won't change anything. Get over it.
My suggested goals for my fellow men:
1. Strive to be a man people want to be around. This means being congenial, fair, loyal, and honest.
2. Try to do something nice for someone at least once each day, even if it's as simple as holding a door for someone.
3. Decide what your principles are as a man and live by them. Make decisions using your principles instead of using fear, pain or pleasure.
4. Strive to exercise a few times a week. It keeps you fit and your mind clear.
5. Keep yourself groomed, clean, and neat. it will make you feel more confident.
6. You live in a marketing culture that tries to convince you that self gratification in all forms is the way to happiness. The real way to happiness is to give to others. Find a benevolent club, church, or organization. Join it and make a difference. Then you'll feel real happiness in spite of your other problems.
7. Shut the TV off. Find productive ways to spend your time. Any time you are about to do something, ask yourself first if you are just distracting yourself.
8. Don't spend your life distracting yourself from being something better.
9. Realize that everyday you are exposed to 3000-5000 advertisements.
10. Rise above the sea of bullshit around you. Be an island.
11. Stop worrying about keeping pace with your friends. Instead figure out what is important to you.
12. The world is full of creepy, insecure, arrogant, selfish, dishonest, and narrow minded men. You can be something better.
As men, truths to heed:
1. You are allowed to feel emotion, smile, laugh, and have fun
2. Asking for directions is a sign of strength, not weakness
3. The measure of a man is how he thinks and acts, not about muscles or tattoos. Think about that.
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